Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Where's the Spirit?

Weeell it has been a while since I have written my last blog :O and I'd love to say I've been too busy and never had any time... But I have had time... just no inspiration nothing that I felt writing about, I mean christmas should have been something to write about right? Wrong unfortunatley...
I mean don't get me wrong I looove christmas it is my favourite holiday, I really tried to get into the mood of it this year... but it just didn't feel right I wanted this to be a celebration for my mum, for her winning the battle with cancer, and by hell did I celebrate for her! But I still couldn't feel the spirit, I tried and I tried, i put so many decorations up you couldn't see my walls, and my room was filled with colourful lighting,
I painted my nails with glitter and christmas colours, I had an advent calender, and as sad as it may sound, I even made my hamster an advent calender, I listened to christmas songs everyday... But I just wasn't feeling it, I was soo happy that I got to spend it with my mum... but still wasn't feeling the spirit... and I guess this is what christmas becomes when you grow up! even when christmas day hit... still nothing,
I mean I loved all of my presents and I couldn't be more thankful... but I guess it's just not the same once you reach a certain age, ah well, next year I'll try even harder...
I guess it doesn't help with this year being soo hectic so filled with bad news, and bad happenings, and problems after problems and things building up, and everything happening all at once, but as I have heard from so many people, this year has not been the best for anyone I've heard from, so hopefully next year will be a brighter and happier experience, 2012 is only 3 days and 15 minutes away! :O

Sunday, 25 September 2011

Being confident as you!

I Have such trouble with excepting myself... as most people I do pick every single little fault in myself, and I am at times very unhappy with myself... 
but looking in the mirror today trying on my new purple dress, and trying different hair styles... I actually looked in the mirror and actually liked what I saw... 
I felt so confident as to what I was looking at.. it was me... Happy
Now I'm able to dye my hair again.. now it has grown back... 
I am now confident with it again! Which has made me so happy, yeah I still have my down times ... 
but I just remember 8 months ago and the whole journey and today... where I am so confident I'm beginning to enjoy life again! 
and be confident with... me!

Sunday, 4 September 2011

New beginnings?

It's all fine and dandy saying I'm going to make a fresh new start... but will you do what it takes to actually follow through with this idea?
Sometimes people start their 'fresh start' as they'd say... but they fall back to old habits as time goes by..
and will power is incredibly tough to keep up, so is the motivation and determination
and many people also make one tiny mistake and fall back a little bit... and just give up completely 
This attitude will get you nowhere and I will admit myself... that I have been one of those people
and I think half of the problem was... I expected results straight away... I never gave myself time and instead of giving myself a steady pace I just went drastic and did everything at once... and I cared too much what people thought
Well now I know this is definitely the wrong attitude... and that's why from now on I am taking things nice and steady...
At my own pace...
after all you're doing it for yourself not for anyone else... no one else matters
If You want to change for the better, then you do so... and don't let anyone's thoughts get in the way...
Because at the end of the day life is way to short to just give up... and be brought down by selfish and non understanding people, and you will make mistakes... but just remember you're only human... so give yourself a break...

keep the people that will help you by your side and the people who will only make you feel worse out of your life... you don't need that type of stress when all you're trying to do is be positive and live your life!

Friday, 2 September 2011

Battling Confidence!

I grew up with terrible confidence issues, I was this insecure shy little girl, that just liked to hide in the corner and never take a risk
and was too scared to venture life, I was too scared to talk to people and I thought they wouldn't like me anyway
it didn't help when people used to bully me, call me names... call me ugly and hated on me for no reason, it was hard for me to make friends... and unbelievably hard to just talk
Throughout my whole school life I never had a stable friendship with anyone... I guess moving around from houses to pubs around the country didn't help...
I remember one day living a way away from my home town and we were about to move back, a girl told me 
'never come back no one likes you'
this tore me to shreds but I was determined to prove her wrong... but alas my determination wasn't enough
my shyness took over and as that girl said... no one liked me
But I stayed strong and I carried on... I travelled through school basically alone... yeahh I had the friends 
who tried to be there for me ... but they all disappeared over time ... it wasn't their faults bless them
it was mine... I was too shy... scared I'd push them away... and with my fear I did... and they began to dislike me because of it.
but I also just had people who genuinely didn't like me... said I was a geek... a freak... a loner with no friends... 
I guess it was true I was ... but I was also this shy girl who didn't know how to raise her voice I tried so much... but everything I did failed
and as the years of secondary school went on... I got a bit better... but I still wasn't the best.. still shy and quiet too scared to make an effort
thinking everyone disliked me all the time... thinking I was this little ugly girl that no one liked... it was attached to my mind
year 11 came and I was improving a hell of a lot it was more in the year 2010 that my confidence started rising that little more... but at the beginning of the year I had a big fall out with a lot of girls... 
Over a reason... as of today I still don't know, they tried to get alot of people to hate me
but it didn't work on everyone... I did have a few girls who were lovely enough to see the stupid side of things and thought it was a bit ridiculous... and they actually understood my side...
Though they stood up for me I was still alone... I finished school alone went to prom alone... wow I sound so sad... I promise the story gets better!
after Prom was when my confidence rocketed! 
I felt more confident with myself and I began getting friends who actually wanted me around I was 'happy'
and I was so much so That I was given the name 'Smiley Erin' I was loving life, I was loving my hair and I was happy with myself
yess I still had my down times but hey that's life!
My confidence began to drop again as my acne started becoming worse... and I started putting on weight and I just started hating myself, I had some very supportive people around me... but I also began to lose friends again as well, and Depression set in
I was then put on Special medication for my acne... and things only got worse from there I started feeling alone, I felt depressed and I started losing emotions... like love... fear, sadness and happiness... But I fought through the 6 months of treatment... and now I'm soaring high once again!
I am now regaining happiness... regaining confidence... and it also feels like I am more confident then ever... I've switched my diet around and I've started looking after myself and just being happy... and I've started gaining friends again..
I can already see though it's so close to the end of the year... but these last 4 months will be amazing!

Thursday, 1 September 2011

Turning things around!

Medication is not always the easiest path to take... and sometimes it can be the only path you can take, and I've just been on a big journey with medication... My Medication was for my acne... 
Many people just tell me my skin is fine, that it isn't that bad... 
but these people had never seen the extent of my back... and I did used to get bad spots on my face also, people didn't notice them as much as I did... and it got me down a hell of a lot, 
the amount of times I'd been to the doctors, and they just kept prescribing me with different tablets and creams... 
nothing helped... it was so bad I used to cry myself to sleep and writhed in pain
after about 6 times of being put on different things I decided enough was enough and I found a new doctor who straight away said she was sending me to the acne specialist... 
that was the beginning of a long journey, I was diagnosed with cystic acne... 
it's rather horrible... and was put on a 6 month course of Roaccutane... which is very strong medication which basically dries out the whole of the body inside and out... and has many many side effects... that I sadly got quite a few of... but not until the last few months of my medication, 
it dried out my hair my skin my nails my throat and many other places... 
It also got to the point where I couldn't wash my hair for 2 weeks because it was just so dry... but didn't get greasy at all, and it started to fall out, 
My moods changed and I had empty and frustrated moods that I just couldn't control... 
I also became very depressed.. I guess it didn't help when my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer but with her operation out of the way and her being on chemo... with her being so strong and positive it helped me to become strong and positive and I fought through 6 months and also an extra added month of a higher dose...  
Today I have been free of this medication for over 2 weeks now and I feel amazing! and I feel I can totally turn my life around and just become a stronger and more positive person!! And the results are also equally amazing!